JESUS HAS LEFT THE VILLAGE.
When you move into a village one thing is always rammed down your throat 'The schools are fantastic!'. Being to shallow to give a shit, Id rather my kids be street wise than bullied boffins. I don't want them getting their heads kicked in first time they venture into the big city ( all though only 3 miles away). Another rule I live by is 'When in Rome'. However, being an Atheist what had never entered my head was the religious influence the school would have on the kids. I suppose there is a clue in the title 'Church of England School' so it wasn't long before God had crept his, or her, way into my house, getting his sandals or her mules well and truly under my table.
The signs weren't so noticeable at first, the odd song would be sang and when asked 'What were you singing so lovely?' the answer would be 'A Jesus song'. This I found quite sweet,, my son being just 5 at the time it was all so innocent and sweet. However, it wasn't long before the love for God and Jesus began to grow and the interest became a little more sinister, well in my eyes anyway. The love for his new found friend Jesus was becoming more apparent by the day. He'd sit at the kitchen table muttering to himself. 'What's that love?' I'd ask.'I'm talking to God Mum' he said. 'Carry on' I replied like some sergeant major on kit inspection. I know, I'm weird too.
One day when his Dad was collecting him, we were both on the landing when we heard 'God is wonderful God is Good...' coming from his bedroom. We both froze looking at each other 'Fucking hell' was his fathers reaction. We peeked through the crack in the door, we could see him sat on his top bunk flicking through a book whilst singing. His Dad and myself pushed and shoved each other childishly neither wanting to enter the inner sanctum. As we muffled are nervous giggles he turned to look at us whilst singing. The soundtrack to the Omen thundered around my head, the smiles were wiped from our faces as we both gulped.This behaviour continued to increase, prayers, homemade crucifixes nicely coloured in, stories of the bible being told, grace at meal times! Until one day it all came to a head.
It was world book day at school and all the children had been encouraged to dress up as a character from their favourite book. I, being a crap Mum hadn't got organised, and my son went off to school on the bus in his uniform leaving me feeling like an unfit Mother surrounded by beaming Mummy's waving off the untold amounts of Harry Potters and Horrid Henry's. At the end of the day I stood at the bus stop as it pulled up. When the doors opened there was a sight that would scar...I mean stay with me for life. As the only ray of sunshine that day broke through the grey clouds it beamed down onto the opening doors. An unbelievable sight lay before us. For through the sunbathed dusty haze my son stood at the top of the coach steps. His arms spread- eagled draped over the rails either side of him. His head hung low for what felt like a life time his hair tumbling forward finally lifting it to expose a beard and moustache that had been drawn on his face!
I held my breath staring at the vision before me. Could he be who I thought he was? Is this his favourite books character? Frozen, my heart pounded through my chest, my knees weakening, about to buckle at any moment. It wasn't until one of the Harry Potters piped up that slow motion sped back to real time. I looked at my son uttering the question that I was so afraid to hear answered. 'W-Who are you?' I whispered. It was at this point his arms reached forward and a blue book bag came hurling toward me smashing me right in the face. 'I'm the Go Compare man' he shouted.'Can I have sweets' he screamed as he pushed me out the way and heading to the shops. 'Thank God!' I cried (I know, the irony) as I dropped to my knees in relief. He was normal! That was the end of the obsession and after a hair cut and discovering the Wii he's never looked back. Good job, as this weekend I'd be hiding the nail gun in fear of a re-enactment on a Cuprilnoled crucifix!
However, my daughter now attends the same school 'You're so special' I said to her the other day 'Yes Mummy, just like Jesus' she replied.......
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